[ Kaoru is nervous, a state of being that he resents both because it's illogical and pointless. Where nerves before a beef would sharpen his senses and reflexes or the nerves of performing for an audience would fill him with energizing adrenaline, this kind of nervousness just sits in his gut and mixes with excitement to concoct a distracting anticipation. It's made worse by the fact that he shouldn't technically know that there is anything to be anxious about as well as any perceived danger being fabricated. They had discussed tonight at length, from a rehashing of safe words and the use of the color system as well as non-verbal signs for when things may get more intense. Kaoru is logical and methodical, and Ainosuke well-versed in this kind of negotiation, but there are still unknowns. Going over a list of desires, compromises, and hard nos is different from knowing what it is that Ainosuke will do in reality, and it's this lack of knowledge that leads to a natural curiosity and, once again, anticipation. Yet part of the reason Kaoru has always (desperately) wanted this is the fact that he can give up control without fear. It's a perceived freedom, really, given that they had talked about all of the things that were or were not okay—one list markedly longer than the other. In the end, Kaoru is the one with the power to stop everything, yet he has a maddening hope that it won't come to that.
As it is, he's got all of these thoughts forming a metaphorical storm cloud over his head as he reads on the couch. They'd agreed that it was better to do this sort of thing on Ainosuke's estate where there were no neighbors in next door apartments and more space for... whatever it is that his host has planned. It works for the fantasy given they've been dating for a while now, too, and Kaoru is getting more used to spending time in the Shindo household. It doesn't make it any easier to focus on his novel, however, and he finds himself rereading the same paragraph multiple times. He sighs at himself and snaps it shut to be set aside as he stands and makes his way to the kitchenette to prepare some tea. ]
To this point in his life, so much has been pre-ordained; dictated or decided for him in some farcical semblance of order, nothing left to chance even with chaos roiling so close beneath the surface. Madness within methodology, a hung chess match two seconds from a punch-up. That's part of why he welcomed Kaoru back in so readily. Inexplicably, he defied all Ainosuke's expectations; metaphorically whipped Ainosuke to attention, grabbed him by the throat and hasn't let him go. Ainosuke's never bored with Kaoru, nor has he ever been so pleased to be proven wrong.
But in this, he's given Ainosuke the opportunity to fall back on old habits. To plot the lay of their evening, cover the variables, create a narrative, and that's thrilling. Let alone that Kaoru would trust him to this extent, but to have the man under his thumb? To compel him to compliance, submission? God, but nothing has ever been more delicious.
So Ainosuke has it handled, and he's been giddy with it since finalizing the details with Kaoru.
Kaoru wanted to be surprised, so a simple narrative seems best. Something without all the trappings of make-believe, for now. So Kaoru doesn't make it to the kettle. Ainosuke emerges from a darkened corner off the hall, and without saying a word, he sinks a gloved hand into Kaoru's hair. He grips the roots hard at the back of Kaoru's head, and shoves him over a spare stretch of countertop, face pressed to cold granite. ]
Didn't I tell you there would be hell to pay if I found you in my rooms again?
[ Ainosuke's voice is light, tone full of mirth despite his grit teeth. There's a flash of silver, and Kaoru feels the sharp point of a blade pressed to his jaw, while Ainosuke jams an elbow into his low back to keep him flat against the counter. ]
[ The startled cry that leaves him is genuine, shocked at how easily Ainosuke had been able to sneak up on him and grab him. He instantly feels vulnerable and his knees go weak when his hair is grabbed so roughly, and he would moan if the air weren't being pushed out of him as his torso is pushed against an unforgiving surface. Ainosuke is strong and Kaoru doesn't have the heart to struggle in earnest, not when this is something he wants. But the fight is part of the fantasy, so he tries to lift his head but is pushed back down where his blushing cheek squishes against the cool stone. ]
You can't be serious, we both know you'd be lonely without me here.
[ His tone is biting compared to Ainosuke's, a sharp contrast to the way his body feels like it's melting beneath the pressure put on it. He makes to move and freezes as cold metal presses against his heated skin. Though he can't see it, he can tell by the sting of it that it's a knife and while his whole body tenses, his breath growing shallow so he doesn't move suddenly and cut himself, his cock throbs with interest. Trust Ainosuke to come out of the gate going full throttle. ]
What... [ Kaoru swallows thickly, looking out the corner of his eye and up at Ainosuke with the kind of lust that can't be hidden by any amount of feigned disinterest or fear. ] What are you doing to do?
[ Desire flares deep in Ainosuke's gut, only stoked hotter by Kaoru's half-hearted struggle. There's so much tangled up in this already, and having Kaoru under his thumb is the finest part of it. He looks absolutely delicious like this, flush-faced and spread across the countertop, matching Ainosuke's venom with his own refined poison. Beautiful, infuriating creature. Perhaps part of Ainosuke has always wanted to have him -- destroy him -- like this.
Kaoru's obi is the first victim of the night. The blade slips away from Kaoru's jaw, sliding flat down his back until Ainosuke hooks it beneath the bottom edge of the obi. It's far too sharp to be carelessly pressed to Kaoru's throat; that much is clear when it slices cleanly through the belt. Arguably, that's entirely the point; the perfect illustration that movement is ill-advised when the knife is against Kaoru's skin.
That's exactly where it returns, the flat resting ever-so-gently beneath his chin. Ainosuke's fist leaves Kaoru's hair, then shoves the ruined obi away. It pools on the counter beneath Kaoru; makes room for Ainosuke to pull hard at the back of the kimono, and yank it away from his shoulders. ]
Be very careful now, darling. I'd hate for you to have an accident. [ So stated, with just a hint more pressure on the flat of the blade. ]
Shall I carve my name into your pretty back instead?
[ Kaoru moans at the insult, unable to swallow down the reaction when it hits him so squarely in the gut. He is a slut, something that he can't deny, but he also thinks that Ainosuke knows somewhere in him that it's only for him. Kaoru may be many things—a glutton for punishment and praise in equal portions—but he is anything but unfaithful. He's been in love with Ainosuke long enough to be devoted to him, even if he shows it in unexpected ways.
The knife leaves and he's almost disappointed until Ainosuke uses it to free him from his obi. Kaoru's indignant scoff is not feigned as he struggles against the hand still holding him in place. ] You fucker, you ruined it! [ He barely has enough time to shake his shoulders in an attempt to throw Ainosuke off before the knife is back to his neck and freezing him in place. It's brutally effective, enough so that he relaxes his torso to allow the kimono to slip free rather than risk fighting to keep it on and risk jostling that threatening blade.
Shivering as the cool air of the room hits his feverish skin, he slumps against the counter and then tenses away from it again. The cold surface hardens his pierced nipples and he curses at how good it feels given how hyperaware he currently is of every bit of his own body. He knows that it's part of a survival response to the knife at his throat, but that doesn't make it any less intense to feel. Now that there are only his briefs keeping him from being left completely naked in the living room, he can't help but wonder how much longer Ainosuke will take with this. ]
Fuck you! [ He growls it out through gritted teeth breath hitching with how shallowly he takes in air so he doesn't put pressure on the edge of the knife. ]
[ Ainosuke can't help the hint of a smirk, a quirked eyebrow on the heels Kaoru's little slip-up. Whether or not that was bait, Ainosuke is not about to ignore fodder like that. ]
What was that?
[ The words are dripping with venom, with something diabolically vile to match the grin that's crawled across his lips. He jams the heel of his hand against the small of Kaoru's back, keeping him still enough that it won't jostle him when Ainosuke shoves his hips forward. The hard ridge of his cock rides along Kaoru's tailbone, nestles into the clothed cradle of his ass, and Ainosuke hums quietly. ]
Pretending you don't want this cock buried in your hungry little ass, when you're moaning for me like a seasoned whore. You're not fooling me for one--
[ Ainosuke punctuates it with another hard grind of his hips. ] Fucking--
[ And again. ] Second.
You're going to look so beautiful, fucked out raw on this counter, Kaoru.
[ The blade is starting to warm against Kaoru's skin. Ainosuke can see his hitched breath clouding the edge, hurried and hypnotic, and he slides it around to press the cool side to Kaoru's cheek instead. A heady reminder of its weight, as he curls a fist into the back of Kaoru's briefs, and yanks them down to his thighs. ]
[ Though it had been a genuine reaction—Kaoru will mourn his obi later, and make Ainosuke replace it—he can't say that he's sorry for it. yet. Ainosuke will definitely use it against him, which is all the more reason for him to shiver with anticipation he can't hide when he's asked such a threatening rhetorical question.
Crying out with surprise and mild pain as he feels the hard press of a hand against his back, he arches away from it and hisses at the unforgiving edge of the counter digging into his hips. He chokes on a sharp inhale when he feels Ainosuke's cock through his slacks, unable to stop his body from instinctively giving away Kaoru's desire. He wants to argue back, but each shove of hips against him just reminds him of the unsatisfying preparation he'd done before this when he was alone in the shower. Ainosuke had left it up to him how far to take it, and as tempting as it had been to finger himself to orgasm to keep the initial edge off, he wants this to be as realistically rough as possible. So although Ainosuke doesn't need to wait to fuck into him, there's still going to be enough pain in the stretch to make this fantasy work.
The knife has warmed to match the temperature of his heated skin to the point that he nearly forgets that it's still there. When the cold metal travels higher, he bites back a whine and screws his eyes shut behind his glasses. His usually quick wit is failing him, rapidly replaced by needy arousal that takes so little thinking and feels so damn good. It doesn't help when he's finally fully naked, shifting his thighs to let the briefs drop down to his ankles. ] J-just get it over with, you'll probably last five seconds anyway.
Oh, you poor slut. I'm sure you wish that were true, but I intend to make you suffer.
[ The words are so at odds with his tone. It's so pleasantly full; Kaoru can hear the smile on his lips, as if he were commenting on the lovely weather or complimenting a smart tie. And that, in context, could be absolutely terrifying. Here he stands, holding a knife to Kaoru's face, shoving him around with rougher hands than he's ever dared with such a blooming flower of a man, and sounding for all the world as if it means nothing to him.
And that's how Kaoru knows, how he can draw the very apt conclusion, that this is all cerebral for Ainosuke. All psychological. Every part of this dance was decided, calculated, long before Kaoru ever stepped into the kitchen. Because that, as always, is how Ainosuke and Kaoru keep each other on their toes. Strategy. Intellect. Each poised at opposite sides of a chessboard, without either one knowing which is ahead of the game.
Just like this. Ainosuke holds the reins because Kaoru has handed them to him. He can be as mean and hurtful and raw as he pleases, but if Kaoru ever threw the flag, it would be over in an instant without any questions asked, and that? That is power. The real power. And both of them know it. ]
Now you be good. Stay still and keep your fucking mouth shut, and maybe I'll let you leave here in one piece.
[ Ainosuke works his belt open while he speaks, then the clasp and zipper of his slacks, all orchestrated so that Kaoru can hear every deliberate move. To stoke the anticipation (or the terror, as it were). His slacks hang loose at his hips, and his cock is already achingly hard when he eases it out, to press in a hard grind between Kaoru's ass cheeks. It's a slow arc, head pushing from Kaoru's tailbone to perineum, then back again.
That's all the warning he gets before Ainosuke sinks in, teeth grit against a soft groan, straight down to the hilt. ]
[ tadashi has always prided himself on being able to anticipate ainosuke's needs and to meet his often incredibly challenging demands, no matter the nature of it. it's what he has sworn himself to do, but in his unwavering devotion to ainosuke's goals and successes, he's missed out on one awfully crucial, important thing: that what shindo ainosuke really, truly wants has been under his nose all along.
what they had once, what they had lost, what they could never quite have in its purest form again; and it had been langa who taught it to ainosuke. tadashi would pay with his entire life for choosing not to stand up to ainosuke's father, and he will bear the burden of ainosuke's distaste and loathing, but what he's missed are the underlying signs of ainosuke's desire for more, couched in desperate, over-the-top overtures and twisted bids for attention. his attention, beyond the confines of their daily work schedules and ainosuke's professional growth.
after all, tadashi had been the one to teach him how to skate, the serpent according adam (not eve), the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and here they are.
here they are, with adam having to deal with another loss, a reminder that not even the brightest star in the sky is infallible. after all, stars collapse all the time. this time, like the others, tadashi will be here to pick up the pieces and lovingly put him back together again.
tadashi faithfully takes him home, his beloved, treasured, capricious and damaged master. he has a better understanding of him now -- oddly enough, illuminated by reki and langa both, and this time, instead of immediately running the bath once they reach his room, tadashi closes the door behind him with a quiet click.
he understands a little more, now, and he wonders if it's still too late. ]
Mr Ainosuke. [ he says quietly, stepping close and gently brushing the small of his back, seeking permission in silence. ] If I may...?
Vulnerability is discouraged -- punished -- by the Shindos. Vulnerability is a weakness that is thoroughly stamped out, choked out, and stunted, along with any sense of frivolity or childlike wonder (even when Ainosuke was only a child). It was a thing to be hidden away behind closed doors and in dark corners, silently nursed and never acknowledged. A severe upbringing comes bundled with its own brand of triumphs and tribulations, but in Ainosuke's case, it only managed to create a monster.
Love has always always meant pain. Even loving Tadashi was anguish, sweet though it tasted for a short time. Tadashi was different, gentle; Ainosuke could openly carry that wounded part of himself, and Tadashi honored it without question or shame. His love was kind, soft, infinitely pleasurable, and Ainosuke should have known he was bound to pay a hellish price for something that felt like paradise.
Then Tadashi turned away, put a wall between them, and Ainosuke learned.
Still, Tadashi had a stranglehold on him, coiled tight and fangs buried deep, his venom coursing through Ainosuke and poisoning every piece. Ainosuke hated and loved it in equal measure. It was closer to the love he'd always known. Distant. Cold. Suffering. And at times, he was content to embrace that pain; other times -- seldom, but too often -- he ached for the pleasure of Tadashi's gentleness. Moments of weakness, when Ainosuke reached out, lashed out, clawed at Tadashi, utterly gripped by desperation to pull him back in. Chaos, violence, anything to break Tadashi's stoicism. To make him think, make him feel, to drag him back.
Ainosuke does not feel vulnerable. But he does feel weak -- so incredibly broken and needy and wrong, and moreso now than he's felt in so long -- and maybe that's exactly the same thing. But stranger still, this weakness feels safe. Bared and raw though he is, it doesn't feel dangerous to press these moments into Tadashi's waiting hands. And that--
It's impossible for Ainosuke to know what to do with that. But Tadashi's hand rests low on Ainosuke's spine, and his body instinctively remembers the cadence of that touch. Like an afterimage suddenly lighting up after a sunburst, like cooling embers fanned to life. One touch arrests thought, breath, heart, and Ainosuke's shoulders stiffen to a hard set.
There's more to this; Ainosuke knows there is, and the shiver it sends down his spine is as much terror as it is anticipation. He huffs, tamps down on a swell of incredulity, and pushes a hand through his hair. What he speaks is assent, but subdued, guarded: ]
the truth of the world is this: you don't always get what you want, in the way you want it, and nothing worth having comes without cost. for tadashi, the price cuts deep, scoring into the love he carries for ainosuke. in punishing ainosuke, aiichiro sent a message to them both: tadashi is icarus, flown too close to the blazing, glorious sun that is ainosuke and his warmth. and ainosuke, whose gentleness and kindness and loneliness is at odds with the loveless shindo manor, where violence and cruelty is couched as love, hemmed into ainosuke's very being.
tadashi can only watch, because love commands its very own sacrifice -- to protect ainosuke is to be removed from his presence forever, left without a chance to atone for his sins or to protect him as best as he can. ainosuke is a monster of their making, his and the shindos both, but what is a monster if not a lonely, loving creature bereft of the love he craves?
something else has broken between them throughout the course of this evening (and the past few days), something that has kept them locked together in an impossible impasse. in the pieces of it is ainosuke at his weakest, broken and needy and wounded, and tadashi will do anything to put him back together properly, to show that weakness is not wrong, that he will honour him without question or shame. he will nurse the flame of that nascent warmth, a silent partner instead of the serpent coiled lovingly around his heart.
he feels that shiver down his spine, and tadashi gently loosens the bones that keep the outfit closed. one by one, he undoes the catches, up until he's done, and he reverently, delicately sets it aside. undressing his beloved master, his ainosuke is a ritual in itself, and his hands are impossibly gentle, sliding up underneath the smooth material, over heated, tense skin and coiled muscles. he peels it off slow, easing past those broad shoulders, and it is tadashi's lips that press over the bruises that were once there, along the line between neck and shoulder.
he steps closer, bold. his sins are incalculable, but ainosuke is the only one who can give him absolution. ]
Let me help your body remember me. Let me have tonight with you.
[ please. tadashi misses him so very, very much that he aches with it. ]
[ There's a vindictive part of Ainosuke that wants to pull away from this. To prolong Tadashi's suffering, force him into and through that same brand of agony Ainosuke's endured for years. But a more reasonable part realizes that raising his hackles against this is pointless; that Tadashi must be intimately acquainted with the pain of this chasm between them, and that these pieces wouldn't have fallen into place in any other way.
Maybe it was all inevitable. Maybe they had to walk through fire from there to here. Maybe they wouldn't fully appreciate this moment -- the first tenuous threads to bridge the maw of loneliness -- if things happened differently between them.
Either way, Tadashi's touch consumes him. He's never understood the hold Tadashi has over him; golden, sliding like light against his bare skin, warming all the frigid reaches and melting the ice away. Even Ainosuke's flesh betrays him, raising to goosebumps breath Tadashi's fingertips, wracking him to shivers beneath Tadashi's lips. Everything he's missed, everything he's ached for so keenly. Fabric falls away under Tadashi's hands like a shed carapace, his breath washes hot over Ainosuke's neck, and for the first time in what feels like an eon, Ainosuke comes undone.
The costume is hanging low on Ainosuke's hips when he turns, and his grip twists into Tadashi's shirt at either side of his waist. There's so much behind his eyes right now, and Ainosuke's too overwhelmed to disguise it. To Tadashi, it must be plain to read; hurt and need and terror and a deeply aching love, all tangled behind weeping scarlet wounds. ]
If you leave me again-- [ Ainosuke's whisper is practically a growl. ]
Tadashi...
[ Please, please never leave me again. He wants to say it. He nearly does, but the words are all flooded out, muddled to silence, like struggling to speak around a mouth full of blood. ]
[ tadashi says quietly, firmly, two syllables cutting through the chaos of ainosuke's roiling emotions. in the wake of the breakdown, he knows, too, that ainosuke has never been more vulnerable, the sea of pain and anger and turmoil and the impossible longing, hurting and raw across the chasm they have made for themselves.
tadashi aches for him, his heart clenching at the sight of ainosuke like he's never seen before, in the limited moonlight, crimson eyes blazing in the dark. ainosuke has suffered for years, hurting and lashing out, and tadashi has taken everything that he has to dole out. he looks up into that handsome, pale face, reminded of what remains after a storm, and he reaches to cup his cheek.
the chips have fallen where they ought, and tadashi has been given leave to finally bridge the distance. so bridge he does, cupping ainosuke's face with unyielding tenderness, bolstered by his unwavering, unrelenting love for him, no matter the weight of his transgressions. tadashi has sinned against him, but his desire for redemption is part of what brought them here, securing ainosuke in his loneliness.
his other hand smoothes up to splay possessively over the span of his back. he coils around ainosuke again, his lips pressing against the side of his mouth. ainosuke is heartbreakingly beautiful when he falls apart, but tadashi will put him back together again. ]
I will never leave you, I promise.
[ ainosuke is the light of his life, the one thing that tadashi finds himself orbiting around, for better or worse. he doesn't look away when they're practically nose to nose, and it is now or never for tadashi, to bridge that gap anew and to fill the emptiness with everything he has ever wanted to tell him. he has left his own feelings buried for too long, his love for ainosuke hidden underneath guilt and penance. guilt, it seems, is a paralyser that has dammed them both.
tadashi's next words are just as raw, just as true. in the mire of muddled words and the fierce desperation of long-buried sentiment, tadashi will provide clarity. ]
[ The breath that leaves Ainosuke is closer to a sob than a sigh; a hurried rush of air, tremulous against Tadashi's waiting lips. I love you. I never stopped. There's no ambiguity there; nothing to misinterpret, nothing left to chance. Nothing to question or argue.
There's so much that comes with those words. Love has never been unconditional for Ainosuke; it has always hinged upon an expectation, like some alchemical exchange. Ainosuke's skin still carries the reminders of it, and his arms faintly ache with Tadashi's confession. For a moment, Ainosuke hates it. He hates that he's like this, he hates everything that has made him this way. In another life, in another time, he could hear these words without fighting the urge to flinch. Why can't he have that now? Why can't he just keep and love Tadashi without this subtle undercurrent of horror?
Ainosuke's grip tightens on Tadashi's shirt, clawing him infinitesimally closer, even through a short and violent shake of his head. ]
You don't know what that means.
[ To love Ainosuke -- really and truly love him -- is to embrace all these shattered parts, and chance the thousand bone-deep cuts along the way. He'll leave Tadashi in ribbons like this, he'll tear him to pieces. And worse still, Ainosuke wants to do just that. He wants Tadashi to hold him despite his razor blade touch, wants Tadashi to kiss him through his knife-sharp tongue. He wants Tadashi to bleed for him, as Ainosuke's heart has bled for Tadashi since the very beginning. And he wants it so badly, he's finally -- at long last -- crying for it.
The tears are hot and wild. They spill down Ainosuke's face through a silent shudder and a hitched gasp, and though Ainosuke's grip on Tadashi doesn't loosen, he slowly sinks to his knees. It feels like begging, like silent supplication, with his forehead pressed to Tadashi's hip. He can't ask for it. He doesn't have the words. Love is a foreign tongue that hurts to speak, but perhaps this is enough.
Tadashi's always understood what Ainosuke needs; surely he can interpret this plea as well.
Need me. Love me. Show me love. And never, ever stop. ]
[ his confession must feel like a slap in the face, or the sting of a switch on open, trembling palms, the painful welts sealing a solid declaration of love, that it must not be love if there is no pain. and pain is all that ainosuke has known all his life, his own needs subordinate to the vanity of the shindo family, that he is only as good as what his aunts can boast about while his father rots in his grave.
tadashi's heart breaks when he hears that sob, the unwelcome reminder that ainosuke has willingly swallowed the lies of those who falsely pledged to love him, unable to face the horror of their selfishness and unfettered desires, with him serving only as a tool for progress. tadashi has watched it all unfold, forced to keep his silence or forever be torn from his beloved's side, but here and now is a shining moment to mend the tattered pieces of his psyche, to show, as he never could, what it means to be loved.
he aches to love ainosuke, to coil around him so tightly that all ainosuke can do is breathe him in. it is a bold thought, terrifying and exhilarating all at once, and he feels the shake of those shoulders, the hot, wet sting of his tears as ainosuke sinks to his knees and cries, finally spilling what langa has broken open. tadashi, who can never bear to see him alone in his hurt, finally has a chance to make things right, to get on his knees together with him, pressing his lips to those tears, kissing them away.
his hand comes to curl in that thick, unruly hair, cradling the back of his head to him. he knows his master, he knows the words that catch in his throat, thick like the blood in his moth. he doesn't have to ask, he doesn't have to beg -- tadashi will happily rend himself to pieces on the knife-sharp edges of ainosuke's whims; he will ache for the way ainosuke tears into him and leaves him bleeding. ainosuke loves him like a forest fire, grand and uncontrolled and wild and just as beautiful, and he grips his hair just a little tighter, forcing him to look at him.
oh, his lovely, lovely ainosuke. tadashi has been silent for far too long, suppressing his own heart, his own desires -- tonight, he can bear his own reticence no longer. ]
I know exactly what it means to love you.
[ ainosuke, adam, with all of his cruelty and his violence, his obsessions and his desperation, the heart that never stopped bleeding for his sake. another kiss, another. tadashi lovingly tastes the salt of ainosuke's tears, claiming them for himself. tadashi's love is tender but unyielding, painless but overwhelming, different. here. he has always been here, before adam, before eden. after all, he helped create them both.
his other hand cups ainosuke's face now, lips barely inches from his as he meets his eyes again. don't run away from him, ainosuke, not this time. tadashi, quietly determined, lets his own passion show, green eyes dark and intent. ]
I remain yours to do with as you wish. [ he leans in deeper, before finally pressing the softest of kisses to his mouth, sealing a promise. ] Let me give you what you need.
[ What Ainosuke needs -- and it takes a moment for this realization to truly sink in -- is a complete mystery even to himself. He's subsisted for so long on dogmatic acceptance; that he must be what his family expects him to be, that his own true self must be hidden away behind late nights and ornate masks, that his own desires must be thoroughly quelled, and that any deviation will be punished. Tadashi offers an opposing force, as unfamiliar and tenuous as the kisses that ghost over Ainosuke's face; a love that embraces the whole of Ainosuke, sweet and bitter, broken and whole, with neither demand nor expectation. Tadashi offers himself. It's all Ainosuke has ever wanted, and he's lost for what to do with it.
How should he handle something like this? How is he meant to hold it? Something that feels as if it will fall to dust in his hands, slip through his fingers, and scatter to the wind? How could he possibly carry these two hearts that feel so delicate?
But this feels like the surest place to start. Despite the torrent of doubt, Tadashi's lips feel more like home than these cold manor walls ever have. Ainosuke's hands finally abandon their grip on Tadashi's shirt, and scramble up to sink through his hair instead. They sink in, grip tight, his jaw a hard set as pulls Tadashi eye level, forces their gaze to meet. Crimson to verdant, raging storm to deadly calm, and god--
How did Ainosuke forget this? How beautiful Tadashi's eyes are? The depth he's always found behind them? How they move him, pull him, beckon and call to him?
They turn him traitor so quickly. The walls fall all at once, collapse beneath the weight of memory and the promise of more. Ainosuke forces their lips together like rebellion, like revolution, like inferno; razing all his foundations under the demanding slide of his tongue, tearing up the roots beneath a desperate pull of teeth. He wants this, wants Tadashi, wants him so much -- too much -- and all his defenses are failing him.
So he'll consume Tadashi. He'll eat the very heart out of him. He'll be devoured in kind, and he'll smile through the desecration. And they'll lay new roots, to nurture whatever blooms in the ruin. ]
Touch me. [ Ainosuke practically sobs, staggered gasps between the crush of their lips. ] Tadashi, touch me. Kiss me. Love me. I need you.
[ it has been a whirlwind few months since the fateful night they were brought back together again, intimately, repeatedly, each finally understanding more of the other, and breaking down walls long-built.
however, time waits for no man, and it's business as usual in the shindo household. politicians and law enforcement must be bought off and run, and there are many other things to do to ensure that ainosuke achieves what he intends to, firmly in the seat of unshakeable power and influence. of course, tadashi remains loyal by his side -- but this time as partner more than pet, moving his own chess pieces to ensure that ainosuke's work is furthered and undeterred.
of course, on the domestic front, things are changing slowly but surely. they are gradually drawing closer, opening up to each other, and while the poison in ainosuke's veins will take years to purge, progress is progress. then there is skating, there is s, the slow and gradual addition of people they might consider friends, even though they are rightfully leery of ainosuke. there is also the path to redemption and the rediscovery of skating all over again, a sport that tadashi has only recently realised that he misses for its own sake.
he's still snake, for now, but perhaps that will change in time. he's found that he quite enjoys skating with adam, and s hasn't quite recovered from adam's newfound trend of not hitting someone he's skating with.
tonight is a good night for everyone involved; the prelude to the weekend with everything of note completed and pending responses from various stakeholders and pawns alike, and once tadashi dutifully finishes his report, he reaches the last item on his agenda, the curiously immense bouquet of roses with no recipient mentioned. he supposes he'll have to make one last trip out tonight before drawing a proper warm bath for ainosuke -- he'll pencil that in. it's not out of ainosuke's nature to make romantic overtures, and their relationship is still a secret, after all. tadashi won't let anyone compromise ainosuke's work for his sake. ]
And one last thing, may I know whom this is for? I can make a delivery to their home this evening.
[ The past few months have been difficult, on so many new and unexpected levels. It's not all bad, of course, but in the wake of their changed dynamic, Tadashi seems dead-set on putting Ainosuke through his paces. Repent, make efforts, run Ainosuke ragged; this seems to be Tadashi's new modus operandi, but Ainosuke can't complain about the rewards of a job well-done.
Literally, Tadashi has taken to rewarding him for good behavior, like retraining a bad dog. Positive reinforcement, peppered throughout their days and nights. A stolen kiss here, a leashed collar there, and Ainosuke is suddenly so much more agreeable. Pliable. But that leniency extends to Tadashi alone.
It's not entirely self-interest either. Ainosuke seems to be slowly learning the good touches from the bad, and when Tadashi wants (or needs) each, and he's found himself surprisingly eager to give Tadashi whichever one he wants. That's slowly started bleeding out of their bedroom in unexpected ways. Like the difference between trouncing an opponent or sending them to the hospital. Or the subtle nuances of when he should show his hand during more high-stakes proceedings.
Though, thanks to Tadashi, he's always playing with a royal flush.
That was the reason for today's floral delivery, lost though that seems to be on Tadashi. Perhaps Ainosuke is trying out his own sort of positive reinforcement. He smiles, small but fondly indulgent, but doesn't look up from the bill he's been perusing. ]
Did you read the card?
[ It's easily missed, practically buried beneath the array of roses (and, if Tadashi cares to notice, quite a few red chrysanthemums). Just simple, embossed cardstock tucked beneath the ribbon at the base of the stems. A short message, in Ainosuke's tight, neat scrawl:
For my Eve <3
And just below, a tiny, adorable sketch of a snake, and an apple. ]
[ tadashi is coming onboard their lavishly private jet, which is empty of all staff save for the first and second pilot and the head steward who's minding his own business and savvy enough not to be curious.
the collar around his throat is snug, tucked under his tie, chafing gently whenever he moves. making his way to the private room of the plane after ensuring that everything is in order, and that the flight is slated for takeoff soon, he sends his last instructions and texts before entering.
it's anticipation that thrums warmly under his skin, his love and affection for the man waiting within that keeps him going -- a year is a long time and yet not at all, not when it comes to spending it learning ainosuke anew, setting new expectations and paths, growing with each other. ainosuke is his master, his soulmate, the light of his life, and tadashi is in high spirits, already loosening the tie at his neck. ]
Ainosuke-sama. I've already made all the arrangements for the other side. We shouldn't be disturbed until our arrival.
[ The accommodations are hardly as lavish or comfortable as their bedrooms at the manor. But, arguably, privacy and a clean bed are all they need to serve their purposes tonight, and it will certainly do for now.
After all, it's only the start of Ainosuke's plans for Tadashi this week. It's frustratingly difficult to keep secrets from the man who orchestrates every aspect of their lives down to the minute, but Ainosuke has his own brand of subterfuge, primarily involving cash payments to tight-lipped proxies. For all Tadashi knows, this is simply a diplomatic conference in Barcelona, and he'd diligently arranged their entire schedule right down to the dinner reservations as such. In reality, they're landing in Ibiza, and heading directly to a trendy beach-front resort; Ainosuke will revoke Tadashi's phone privileges, and he'll remain diligently to task between Tadashi's legs until he forgets what work even is.
But for now? Ainosuke has just finished pouring two flutes of champagne. His own tie already hangs undone around his neck, dress shirt unbuttoned far beyond the realm of professional acceptability, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His smile has grown so soft over the past year, at least with Tadashi. It's there now, sweet and fond, gaze a little dreamy as he closes the distance between them and hands a glass to Tadashi. ]
Happy anniversary, my pet. [ Such warmth in his tone, gentle words coming hand in hand with the tender press of their foreheads. ]
I hope you won't be too angry with me. I've decided to spoil you.
[ ainosuke looks like he's ready to kick back and relax, which is interesting -- he would usually ask to see some of the documents he'd prepared just in case, but he supposes that they could make an exception for now, can't they?
of course, tadashi's none the wiser to the plot ainosuke has so expertly woven together, his attention entirely focused on the younger man and the way he's so attractively loosened up, disheveled in all the ways that invite a longer, more loving look. of course, tadashi does so, softening as he closes the door behind him and locks it, stepping easily into the circle of his arms to press his forehead to his.
he takes the glass but barely registers it, at least, for a moment, because he's more than happy to press a gentle greeting kiss to those soft, soft lips. it's still a marvel, hearing the warmth in ainosuke's words, the way he looks at him when they're alone. his other hand comes to cup his face as tadashi gives him another kiss, and another, finding himself craving him after a long day of dealing with tiresome logistics. ]
How can I ever, my master?
[ he murmurs, lifting his own glass so that ainosuke can sip from it. ]
You spoil me with this champagne. And the way you look right now.
[ Oh, but there will be so much more. Ainosuke's fit to burst from the secrecy, but he needs to conceal it for now or else risk ruining the surprise. Internally, he's practically giddy with it. Tadashi might be angry when they land, just a little, but Ainosuke can't summon up the whim to care if he is. They're going to relax for a short while, even if that means they never even leave their suite; they've worked hard over the past year, both personally and professionally, and they deserve a bit of respite.
Still, he can't wait to see Tadashi's face when they touch down. Any expression he shows Ainosuke will be well worth the effort, even if he can only manage a deep frown. Better than nothing. Better than numb.
Ainosuke taps his own glass to Tadashi's, a silent toast before he sips from the flute that's offered to him, and then tips his own for Tadashi to do the same. ]
We have almost sixteen hours to waste on this plane, Tadashi.
[ Ainosuke slowly, deliberately, reaches up to pull Tadashi's tie free of its knot. Then his shirt buttons; one, two, three hastily undone, until Ainosuke can hook two fingers beneath Tadashi's collar. ]
[ the answer is almost immediate, whole-hearted in tadashi's devotion to ainosuke. he still hasn't cottoned on that there is a bigger, grander, more wonderful surprise in store, because what can be more wonderful than having ainosuke all to himself for sixteen hours?
he can't help a small smile as he sips from his glass, pleased by ainosuke's effortless sensuality, the heat and intensity of his attentions and affection. he draws closer still, like a moth to a flame as his own pulse begins to quicken, anticipation curling warmly in his chest.
his hand coming to rest lightly on ainosuke's chest, unbuttoning the rest of his shirt all the way, he continues: ]
I am yours, my love. All I ask is that you let me see your face.
[ because he wants to see the love written all over it, the ferocity of his passion, the heat of his desire. tadashi loves everything about ainosuke, and as his hand comes to rest on his belt, deftly undoing the catch to unzip him, he murmurs. ]
And all of it entirely naked. Please. Will you indulge me, Master?
[ The plane has yet to even lift off, and they should probably be lending that a touch more consideration than they are. Perhaps they should take their seats, while their time until they've reached cruising altitude with champagne and a bit of sly flirting. Teasing, as Ainosuke is so very fond of doing. Happily, it simply doesn't seem important; Tadashi is too eager, and Ainosuke is loathe to dissuade him from anything.
Tadashi asks for so little. Ainosuke would give him the world if Tadashi desired it, yet all Tadashi asks is for this. For Ainosuke stripped bare, for the pleasure of watching his face while they take each other apart, to worship at the altar of his love. Tadashi could have everything -- flay Ainosuke to the bone, ruin him completely besides -- and all he wants is what they've already found.
It suits them well; Ainosuke feels absolutely limitless with Tadashi by his side, and he'll do anything to keep him there.
Including this sweet degradation, if Tadashi is so eager for it. Tadashi has just worked through the zipper of Ainosuke's slacks when Ainosuke smirks, and takes a step back toward the bed. He tugs down hard on Tadashi's collar, coaxing his dog to his knees. There are other ways to take a seat before liftoff. There are other ways to tease. ]
Come, my pet. Be a good boy. On your knees. Crawl to the bed with me.
[ Another step back, and another, and Ainosuke snaps his fingers for Tadashi to follow. ]
[ to tadashi, ainosuke encompasses the world and everything in it -- his hopes, his dreams, embodied in this man who has loved him return for almost all of his life; of course, the latter half of that life had been twisted up in anger, disappointment, and a yearning sits under his skin like an unreachable itch.
but here and now, things are different. while tadashi cannot do anything about ainosuke's aunts, he certainly can gild ainosuke's power and agency in his own ways, stealthy as a serpent in the undergrowth. his love for ainosuke only grows, and he finds himself enthralled by this degradation, the intoxicating sweetness of it and everything that ainosuke is willing to give to him. and oh, how generous his lover is, how quickly he picks up on tadashi's desires as he settles him with a firm hand.
he is all too willing to get to his hands and knees at that tug, and tadashi crawls along with him, following him to the bed and crawling in after, once ainosuke's on it. he presses soft kisses to those fingers, tongue lapping sweetly around index and middle as a gesture of his affection, his dark eyes warm.
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As it is, he's got all of these thoughts forming a metaphorical storm cloud over his head as he reads on the couch. They'd agreed that it was better to do this sort of thing on Ainosuke's estate where there were no neighbors in next door apartments and more space for... whatever it is that his host has planned. It works for the fantasy given they've been dating for a while now, too, and Kaoru is getting more used to spending time in the Shindo household. It doesn't make it any easier to focus on his novel, however, and he finds himself rereading the same paragraph multiple times. He sighs at himself and snaps it shut to be set aside as he stands and makes his way to the kitchenette to prepare some tea. ]
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To this point in his life, so much has been pre-ordained; dictated or decided for him in some farcical semblance of order, nothing left to chance even with chaos roiling so close beneath the surface. Madness within methodology, a hung chess match two seconds from a punch-up. That's part of why he welcomed Kaoru back in so readily. Inexplicably, he defied all Ainosuke's expectations; metaphorically whipped Ainosuke to attention, grabbed him by the throat and hasn't let him go. Ainosuke's never bored with Kaoru, nor has he ever been so pleased to be proven wrong.
But in this, he's given Ainosuke the opportunity to fall back on old habits. To plot the lay of their evening, cover the variables, create a narrative, and that's thrilling. Let alone that Kaoru would trust him to this extent, but to have the man under his thumb? To compel him to compliance, submission? God, but nothing has ever been more delicious.
So Ainosuke has it handled, and he's been giddy with it since finalizing the details with Kaoru.
Kaoru wanted to be surprised, so a simple narrative seems best. Something without all the trappings of make-believe, for now. So Kaoru doesn't make it to the kettle. Ainosuke emerges from a darkened corner off the hall, and without saying a word, he sinks a gloved hand into Kaoru's hair. He grips the roots hard at the back of Kaoru's head, and shoves him over a spare stretch of countertop, face pressed to cold granite. ]
Didn't I tell you there would be hell to pay if I found you in my rooms again?
[ Ainosuke's voice is light, tone full of mirth despite his grit teeth. There's a flash of silver, and Kaoru feels the sharp point of a blade pressed to his jaw, while Ainosuke jams an elbow into his low back to keep him flat against the counter. ]
Now I get to do what I want with you.
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You can't be serious, we both know you'd be lonely without me here.
[ His tone is biting compared to Ainosuke's, a sharp contrast to the way his body feels like it's melting beneath the pressure put on it. He makes to move and freezes as cold metal presses against his heated skin. Though he can't see it, he can tell by the sting of it that it's a knife and while his whole body tenses, his breath growing shallow so he doesn't move suddenly and cut himself, his cock throbs with interest. Trust Ainosuke to come out of the gate going full throttle. ]
What... [ Kaoru swallows thickly, looking out the corner of his eye and up at Ainosuke with the kind of lust that can't be hidden by any amount of feigned disinterest or fear. ] What are you doing to do?
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[ Desire flares deep in Ainosuke's gut, only stoked hotter by Kaoru's half-hearted struggle. There's so much tangled up in this already, and having Kaoru under his thumb is the finest part of it. He looks absolutely delicious like this, flush-faced and spread across the countertop, matching Ainosuke's venom with his own refined poison. Beautiful, infuriating creature. Perhaps part of Ainosuke has always wanted to have him -- destroy him -- like this.
Kaoru's obi is the first victim of the night. The blade slips away from Kaoru's jaw, sliding flat down his back until Ainosuke hooks it beneath the bottom edge of the obi. It's far too sharp to be carelessly pressed to Kaoru's throat; that much is clear when it slices cleanly through the belt. Arguably, that's entirely the point; the perfect illustration that movement is ill-advised when the knife is against Kaoru's skin.
That's exactly where it returns, the flat resting ever-so-gently beneath his chin. Ainosuke's fist leaves Kaoru's hair, then shoves the ruined obi away. It pools on the counter beneath Kaoru; makes room for Ainosuke to pull hard at the back of the kimono, and yank it away from his shoulders. ]
Be very careful now, darling. I'd hate for you to have an accident. [ So stated, with just a hint more pressure on the flat of the blade. ]
Shall I carve my name into your pretty back instead?
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The knife leaves and he's almost disappointed until Ainosuke uses it to free him from his obi. Kaoru's indignant scoff is not feigned as he struggles against the hand still holding him in place. ] You fucker, you ruined it! [ He barely has enough time to shake his shoulders in an attempt to throw Ainosuke off before the knife is back to his neck and freezing him in place. It's brutally effective, enough so that he relaxes his torso to allow the kimono to slip free rather than risk fighting to keep it on and risk jostling that threatening blade.
Shivering as the cool air of the room hits his feverish skin, he slumps against the counter and then tenses away from it again. The cold surface hardens his pierced nipples and he curses at how good it feels given how hyperaware he currently is of every bit of his own body. He knows that it's part of a survival response to the knife at his throat, but that doesn't make it any less intense to feel. Now that there are only his briefs keeping him from being left completely naked in the living room, he can't help but wonder how much longer Ainosuke will take with this. ]
Fuck you! [ He growls it out through gritted teeth breath hitching with how shallowly he takes in air so he doesn't put pressure on the edge of the knife. ]
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What was that?
[ The words are dripping with venom, with something diabolically vile to match the grin that's crawled across his lips. He jams the heel of his hand against the small of Kaoru's back, keeping him still enough that it won't jostle him when Ainosuke shoves his hips forward. The hard ridge of his cock rides along Kaoru's tailbone, nestles into the clothed cradle of his ass, and Ainosuke hums quietly. ]
Pretending you don't want this cock buried in your hungry little ass, when you're moaning for me like a seasoned whore. You're not fooling me for one--
[ Ainosuke punctuates it with another hard grind of his hips. ] Fucking--
[ And again. ] Second.
You're going to look so beautiful, fucked out raw on this counter, Kaoru.
[ The blade is starting to warm against Kaoru's skin. Ainosuke can see his hitched breath clouding the edge, hurried and hypnotic, and he slides it around to press the cool side to Kaoru's cheek instead. A heady reminder of its weight, as he curls a fist into the back of Kaoru's briefs, and yanks them down to his thighs. ]
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Crying out with surprise and mild pain as he feels the hard press of a hand against his back, he arches away from it and hisses at the unforgiving edge of the counter digging into his hips. He chokes on a sharp inhale when he feels Ainosuke's cock through his slacks, unable to stop his body from instinctively giving away Kaoru's desire. He wants to argue back, but each shove of hips against him just reminds him of the unsatisfying preparation he'd done before this when he was alone in the shower. Ainosuke had left it up to him how far to take it, and as tempting as it had been to finger himself to orgasm to keep the initial edge off, he wants this to be as realistically rough as possible. So although Ainosuke doesn't need to wait to fuck into him, there's still going to be enough pain in the stretch to make this fantasy work.
The knife has warmed to match the temperature of his heated skin to the point that he nearly forgets that it's still there. When the cold metal travels higher, he bites back a whine and screws his eyes shut behind his glasses. His usually quick wit is failing him, rapidly replaced by needy arousal that takes so little thinking and feels so damn good. It doesn't help when he's finally fully naked, shifting his thighs to let the briefs drop down to his ankles. ] J-just get it over with, you'll probably last five seconds anyway.
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[ The words are so at odds with his tone. It's so pleasantly full; Kaoru can hear the smile on his lips, as if he were commenting on the lovely weather or complimenting a smart tie. And that, in context, could be absolutely terrifying. Here he stands, holding a knife to Kaoru's face, shoving him around with rougher hands than he's ever dared with such a blooming flower of a man, and sounding for all the world as if it means nothing to him.
And that's how Kaoru knows, how he can draw the very apt conclusion, that this is all cerebral for Ainosuke. All psychological. Every part of this dance was decided, calculated, long before Kaoru ever stepped into the kitchen. Because that, as always, is how Ainosuke and Kaoru keep each other on their toes. Strategy. Intellect. Each poised at opposite sides of a chessboard, without either one knowing which is ahead of the game.
Just like this. Ainosuke holds the reins because Kaoru has handed them to him. He can be as mean and hurtful and raw as he pleases, but if Kaoru ever threw the flag, it would be over in an instant without any questions asked, and that? That is power. The real power. And both of them know it. ]
Now you be good. Stay still and keep your fucking mouth shut, and maybe I'll let you leave here in one piece.
[ Ainosuke works his belt open while he speaks, then the clasp and zipper of his slacks, all orchestrated so that Kaoru can hear every deliberate move. To stoke the anticipation (or the terror, as it were). His slacks hang loose at his hips, and his cock is already achingly hard when he eases it out, to press in a hard grind between Kaoru's ass cheeks. It's a slow arc, head pushing from Kaoru's tailbone to perineum, then back again.
That's all the warning he gets before Ainosuke sinks in, teeth grit against a soft groan, straight down to the hilt. ]
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aftermath.
what they had once, what they had lost, what they could never quite have in its purest form again; and it had been langa who taught it to ainosuke. tadashi would pay with his entire life for choosing not to stand up to ainosuke's father, and he will bear the burden of ainosuke's distaste and loathing, but what he's missed are the underlying signs of ainosuke's desire for more, couched in desperate, over-the-top overtures and twisted bids for attention. his attention, beyond the confines of their daily work schedules and ainosuke's professional growth.
after all, tadashi had been the one to teach him how to skate, the serpent according adam (not eve), the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and here they are.
here they are, with adam having to deal with another loss, a reminder that not even the brightest star in the sky is infallible. after all, stars collapse all the time. this time, like the others, tadashi will be here to pick up the pieces and lovingly put him back together again.
tadashi faithfully takes him home, his beloved, treasured, capricious and damaged master. he has a better understanding of him now -- oddly enough, illuminated by reki and langa both, and this time, instead of immediately running the bath once they reach his room, tadashi closes the door behind him with a quiet click.
he understands a little more, now, and he wonders if it's still too late. ]
Mr Ainosuke. [ he says quietly, stepping close and gently brushing the small of his back, seeking permission in silence. ] If I may...?
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Vulnerability is discouraged -- punished -- by the Shindos. Vulnerability is a weakness that is thoroughly stamped out, choked out, and stunted, along with any sense of frivolity or childlike wonder (even when Ainosuke was only a child). It was a thing to be hidden away behind closed doors and in dark corners, silently nursed and never acknowledged. A severe upbringing comes bundled with its own brand of triumphs and tribulations, but in Ainosuke's case, it only managed to create a monster.
Love has always always meant pain. Even loving Tadashi was anguish, sweet though it tasted for a short time. Tadashi was different, gentle; Ainosuke could openly carry that wounded part of himself, and Tadashi honored it without question or shame. His love was kind, soft, infinitely pleasurable, and Ainosuke should have known he was bound to pay a hellish price for something that felt like paradise.
Then Tadashi turned away, put a wall between them, and Ainosuke learned.
Still, Tadashi had a stranglehold on him, coiled tight and fangs buried deep, his venom coursing through Ainosuke and poisoning every piece. Ainosuke hated and loved it in equal measure. It was closer to the love he'd always known. Distant. Cold. Suffering. And at times, he was content to embrace that pain; other times -- seldom, but too often -- he ached for the pleasure of Tadashi's gentleness. Moments of weakness, when Ainosuke reached out, lashed out, clawed at Tadashi, utterly gripped by desperation to pull him back in. Chaos, violence, anything to break Tadashi's stoicism. To make him think, make him feel, to drag him back.
Ainosuke does not feel vulnerable. But he does feel weak -- so incredibly broken and needy and wrong, and moreso now than he's felt in so long -- and maybe that's exactly the same thing. But stranger still, this weakness feels safe. Bared and raw though he is, it doesn't feel dangerous to press these moments into Tadashi's waiting hands. And that--
It's impossible for Ainosuke to know what to do with that. But Tadashi's hand rests low on Ainosuke's spine, and his body instinctively remembers the cadence of that touch. Like an afterimage suddenly lighting up after a sunburst, like cooling embers fanned to life. One touch arrests thought, breath, heart, and Ainosuke's shoulders stiffen to a hard set.
There's more to this; Ainosuke knows there is, and the shiver it sends down his spine is as much terror as it is anticipation. He huffs, tamps down on a swell of incredulity, and pushes a hand through his hair. What he speaks is assent, but subdued, guarded: ]
You may.
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the truth of the world is this: you don't always get what you want, in the way you want it, and nothing worth having comes without cost. for tadashi, the price cuts deep, scoring into the love he carries for ainosuke. in punishing ainosuke, aiichiro sent a message to them both: tadashi is icarus, flown too close to the blazing, glorious sun that is ainosuke and his warmth. and ainosuke, whose gentleness and kindness and loneliness is at odds with the loveless shindo manor, where violence and cruelty is couched as love, hemmed into ainosuke's very being.
tadashi can only watch, because love commands its very own sacrifice -- to protect ainosuke is to be removed from his presence forever, left without a chance to atone for his sins or to protect him as best as he can. ainosuke is a monster of their making, his and the shindos both, but what is a monster if not a lonely, loving creature bereft of the love he craves?
something else has broken between them throughout the course of this evening (and the past few days), something that has kept them locked together in an impossible impasse. in the pieces of it is ainosuke at his weakest, broken and needy and wounded, and tadashi will do anything to put him back together properly, to show that weakness is not wrong, that he will honour him without question or shame. he will nurse the flame of that nascent warmth, a silent partner instead of the serpent coiled lovingly around his heart.
he feels that shiver down his spine, and tadashi gently loosens the bones that keep the outfit closed. one by one, he undoes the catches, up until he's done, and he reverently, delicately sets it aside. undressing his beloved master, his ainosuke is a ritual in itself, and his hands are impossibly gentle, sliding up underneath the smooth material, over heated, tense skin and coiled muscles. he peels it off slow, easing past those broad shoulders, and it is tadashi's lips that press over the bruises that were once there, along the line between neck and shoulder.
he steps closer, bold. his sins are incalculable, but ainosuke is the only one who can give him absolution. ]
Let me help your body remember me. Let me have tonight with you.
[ please. tadashi misses him so very, very much that he aches with it. ]
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Maybe it was all inevitable. Maybe they had to walk through fire from there to here. Maybe they wouldn't fully appreciate this moment -- the first tenuous threads to bridge the maw of loneliness -- if things happened differently between them.
Either way, Tadashi's touch consumes him. He's never understood the hold Tadashi has over him; golden, sliding like light against his bare skin, warming all the frigid reaches and melting the ice away. Even Ainosuke's flesh betrays him, raising to goosebumps breath Tadashi's fingertips, wracking him to shivers beneath Tadashi's lips. Everything he's missed, everything he's ached for so keenly. Fabric falls away under Tadashi's hands like a shed carapace, his breath washes hot over Ainosuke's neck, and for the first time in what feels like an eon, Ainosuke comes undone.
The costume is hanging low on Ainosuke's hips when he turns, and his grip twists into Tadashi's shirt at either side of his waist. There's so much behind his eyes right now, and Ainosuke's too overwhelmed to disguise it. To Tadashi, it must be plain to read; hurt and need and terror and a deeply aching love, all tangled behind weeping scarlet wounds. ]
If you leave me again-- [ Ainosuke's whisper is practically a growl. ]
Tadashi...
[ Please, please never leave me again. He wants to say it. He nearly does, but the words are all flooded out, muddled to silence, like struggling to speak around a mouth full of blood. ]
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[ tadashi says quietly, firmly, two syllables cutting through the chaos of ainosuke's roiling emotions. in the wake of the breakdown, he knows, too, that ainosuke has never been more vulnerable, the sea of pain and anger and turmoil and the impossible longing, hurting and raw across the chasm they have made for themselves.
tadashi aches for him, his heart clenching at the sight of ainosuke like he's never seen before, in the limited moonlight, crimson eyes blazing in the dark. ainosuke has suffered for years, hurting and lashing out, and tadashi has taken everything that he has to dole out. he looks up into that handsome, pale face, reminded of what remains after a storm, and he reaches to cup his cheek.
the chips have fallen where they ought, and tadashi has been given leave to finally bridge the distance. so bridge he does, cupping ainosuke's face with unyielding tenderness, bolstered by his unwavering, unrelenting love for him, no matter the weight of his transgressions. tadashi has sinned against him, but his desire for redemption is part of what brought them here, securing ainosuke in his loneliness.
his other hand smoothes up to splay possessively over the span of his back. he coils around ainosuke again, his lips pressing against the side of his mouth. ainosuke is heartbreakingly beautiful when he falls apart, but tadashi will put him back together again. ]
I will never leave you, I promise.
[ ainosuke is the light of his life, the one thing that tadashi finds himself orbiting around, for better or worse. he doesn't look away when they're practically nose to nose, and it is now or never for tadashi, to bridge that gap anew and to fill the emptiness with everything he has ever wanted to tell him. he has left his own feelings buried for too long, his love for ainosuke hidden underneath guilt and penance. guilt, it seems, is a paralyser that has dammed them both.
tadashi's next words are just as raw, just as true. in the mire of muddled words and the fierce desperation of long-buried sentiment, tadashi will provide clarity. ]
I love you. I never stopped.
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There's so much that comes with those words. Love has never been unconditional for Ainosuke; it has always hinged upon an expectation, like some alchemical exchange. Ainosuke's skin still carries the reminders of it, and his arms faintly ache with Tadashi's confession. For a moment, Ainosuke hates it. He hates that he's like this, he hates everything that has made him this way. In another life, in another time, he could hear these words without fighting the urge to flinch. Why can't he have that now? Why can't he just keep and love Tadashi without this subtle undercurrent of horror?
Ainosuke's grip tightens on Tadashi's shirt, clawing him infinitesimally closer, even through a short and violent shake of his head. ]
You don't know what that means.
[ To love Ainosuke -- really and truly love him -- is to embrace all these shattered parts, and chance the thousand bone-deep cuts along the way. He'll leave Tadashi in ribbons like this, he'll tear him to pieces. And worse still, Ainosuke wants to do just that. He wants Tadashi to hold him despite his razor blade touch, wants Tadashi to kiss him through his knife-sharp tongue. He wants Tadashi to bleed for him, as Ainosuke's heart has bled for Tadashi since the very beginning. And he wants it so badly, he's finally -- at long last -- crying for it.
The tears are hot and wild. They spill down Ainosuke's face through a silent shudder and a hitched gasp, and though Ainosuke's grip on Tadashi doesn't loosen, he slowly sinks to his knees. It feels like begging, like silent supplication, with his forehead pressed to Tadashi's hip. He can't ask for it. He doesn't have the words. Love is a foreign tongue that hurts to speak, but perhaps this is enough.
Tadashi's always understood what Ainosuke needs; surely he can interpret this plea as well.
Need me. Love me. Show me love. And never, ever stop. ]
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tadashi's heart breaks when he hears that sob, the unwelcome reminder that ainosuke has willingly swallowed the lies of those who falsely pledged to love him, unable to face the horror of their selfishness and unfettered desires, with him serving only as a tool for progress. tadashi has watched it all unfold, forced to keep his silence or forever be torn from his beloved's side, but here and now is a shining moment to mend the tattered pieces of his psyche, to show, as he never could, what it means to be loved.
he aches to love ainosuke, to coil around him so tightly that all ainosuke can do is breathe him in. it is a bold thought, terrifying and exhilarating all at once, and he feels the shake of those shoulders, the hot, wet sting of his tears as ainosuke sinks to his knees and cries, finally spilling what langa has broken open. tadashi, who can never bear to see him alone in his hurt, finally has a chance to make things right, to get on his knees together with him, pressing his lips to those tears, kissing them away.
his hand comes to curl in that thick, unruly hair, cradling the back of his head to him. he knows his master, he knows the words that catch in his throat, thick like the blood in his moth. he doesn't have to ask, he doesn't have to beg -- tadashi will happily rend himself to pieces on the knife-sharp edges of ainosuke's whims; he will ache for the way ainosuke tears into him and leaves him bleeding. ainosuke loves him like a forest fire, grand and uncontrolled and wild and just as beautiful, and he grips his hair just a little tighter, forcing him to look at him.
oh, his lovely, lovely ainosuke. tadashi has been silent for far too long, suppressing his own heart, his own desires -- tonight, he can bear his own reticence no longer. ]
I know exactly what it means to love you.
[ ainosuke, adam, with all of his cruelty and his violence, his obsessions and his desperation, the heart that never stopped bleeding for his sake. another kiss, another. tadashi lovingly tastes the salt of ainosuke's tears, claiming them for himself. tadashi's love is tender but unyielding, painless but overwhelming, different. here. he has always been here, before adam, before eden. after all, he helped create them both.
his other hand cups ainosuke's face now, lips barely inches from his as he meets his eyes again. don't run away from him, ainosuke, not this time. tadashi, quietly determined, lets his own passion show, green eyes dark and intent. ]
I remain yours to do with as you wish. [ he leans in deeper, before finally pressing the softest of kisses to his mouth, sealing a promise. ] Let me give you what you need.
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How should he handle something like this? How is he meant to hold it? Something that feels as if it will fall to dust in his hands, slip through his fingers, and scatter to the wind? How could he possibly carry these two hearts that feel so delicate?
But this feels like the surest place to start. Despite the torrent of doubt, Tadashi's lips feel more like home than these cold manor walls ever have. Ainosuke's hands finally abandon their grip on Tadashi's shirt, and scramble up to sink through his hair instead. They sink in, grip tight, his jaw a hard set as pulls Tadashi eye level, forces their gaze to meet. Crimson to verdant, raging storm to deadly calm, and god--
How did Ainosuke forget this? How beautiful Tadashi's eyes are? The depth he's always found behind them? How they move him, pull him, beckon and call to him?
They turn him traitor so quickly. The walls fall all at once, collapse beneath the weight of memory and the promise of more. Ainosuke forces their lips together like rebellion, like revolution, like inferno; razing all his foundations under the demanding slide of his tongue, tearing up the roots beneath a desperate pull of teeth. He wants this, wants Tadashi, wants him so much -- too much -- and all his defenses are failing him.
So he'll consume Tadashi. He'll eat the very heart out of him. He'll be devoured in kind, and he'll smile through the desecration. And they'll lay new roots, to nurture whatever blooms in the ruin. ]
Touch me. [ Ainosuke practically sobs, staggered gasps between the crush of their lips. ] Tadashi, touch me. Kiss me. Love me. I need you.
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domesticity + kisses
however, time waits for no man, and it's business as usual in the shindo household. politicians and law enforcement must be bought off and run, and there are many other things to do to ensure that ainosuke achieves what he intends to, firmly in the seat of unshakeable power and influence. of course, tadashi remains loyal by his side -- but this time as partner more than pet, moving his own chess pieces to ensure that ainosuke's work is furthered and undeterred.
of course, on the domestic front, things are changing slowly but surely. they are gradually drawing closer, opening up to each other, and while the poison in ainosuke's veins will take years to purge, progress is progress. then there is skating, there is s, the slow and gradual addition of people they might consider friends, even though they are rightfully leery of ainosuke. there is also the path to redemption and the rediscovery of skating all over again, a sport that tadashi has only recently realised that he misses for its own sake.
he's still snake, for now, but perhaps that will change in time. he's found that he quite enjoys skating with adam, and s hasn't quite recovered from adam's newfound trend of not hitting someone he's skating with.
tonight is a good night for everyone involved; the prelude to the weekend with everything of note completed and pending responses from various stakeholders and pawns alike, and once tadashi dutifully finishes his report, he reaches the last item on his agenda, the curiously immense bouquet of roses with no recipient mentioned. he supposes he'll have to make one last trip out tonight before drawing a proper warm bath for ainosuke -- he'll pencil that in. it's not out of ainosuke's nature to make romantic overtures, and their relationship is still a secret, after all. tadashi won't let anyone compromise ainosuke's work for his sake. ]
And one last thing, may I know whom this is for? I can make a delivery to their home this evening.
🐍🍎
Literally, Tadashi has taken to rewarding him for good behavior, like retraining a bad dog. Positive reinforcement, peppered throughout their days and nights. A stolen kiss here, a leashed collar there, and Ainosuke is suddenly so much more agreeable. Pliable. But that leniency extends to Tadashi alone.
It's not entirely self-interest either. Ainosuke seems to be slowly learning the good touches from the bad, and when Tadashi wants (or needs) each, and he's found himself surprisingly eager to give Tadashi whichever one he wants. That's slowly started bleeding out of their bedroom in unexpected ways. Like the difference between trouncing an opponent or sending them to the hospital. Or the subtle nuances of when he should show his hand during more high-stakes proceedings.
Though, thanks to Tadashi, he's always playing with a royal flush.
That was the reason for today's floral delivery, lost though that seems to be on Tadashi. Perhaps Ainosuke is trying out his own sort of positive reinforcement. He smiles, small but fondly indulgent, but doesn't look up from the bill he's been perusing. ]
Did you read the card?
[ It's easily missed, practically buried beneath the array of roses (and, if Tadashi cares to notice, quite a few red chrysanthemums). Just simple, embossed cardstock tucked beneath the ribbon at the base of the stems. A short message, in Ainosuke's tight, neat scrawl:
For my Eve <3
And just below, a tiny, adorable sketch of a snake, and an apple. ]
tfln continued;
[ tadashi is coming onboard their lavishly private jet, which is empty of all staff save for the first and second pilot and the head steward who's minding his own business and savvy enough not to be curious.
the collar around his throat is snug, tucked under his tie, chafing gently whenever he moves. making his way to the private room of the plane after ensuring that everything is in order, and that the flight is slated for takeoff soon, he sends his last instructions and texts before entering.
it's anticipation that thrums warmly under his skin, his love and affection for the man waiting within that keeps him going -- a year is a long time and yet not at all, not when it comes to spending it learning ainosuke anew, setting new expectations and paths, growing with each other. ainosuke is his master, his soulmate, the light of his life, and tadashi is in high spirits, already loosening the tie at his neck. ]
Ainosuke-sama. I've already made all the arrangements for the other side. We shouldn't be disturbed until our arrival.
Re: tfln continued;
After all, it's only the start of Ainosuke's plans for Tadashi this week. It's frustratingly difficult to keep secrets from the man who orchestrates every aspect of their lives down to the minute, but Ainosuke has his own brand of subterfuge, primarily involving cash payments to tight-lipped proxies. For all Tadashi knows, this is simply a diplomatic conference in Barcelona, and he'd diligently arranged their entire schedule right down to the dinner reservations as such. In reality, they're landing in Ibiza, and heading directly to a trendy beach-front resort; Ainosuke will revoke Tadashi's phone privileges, and he'll remain diligently to task between Tadashi's legs until he forgets what work even is.
But for now? Ainosuke has just finished pouring two flutes of champagne. His own tie already hangs undone around his neck, dress shirt unbuttoned far beyond the realm of professional acceptability, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His smile has grown so soft over the past year, at least with Tadashi. It's there now, sweet and fond, gaze a little dreamy as he closes the distance between them and hands a glass to Tadashi. ]
Happy anniversary, my pet. [ Such warmth in his tone, gentle words coming hand in hand with the tender press of their foreheads. ]
I hope you won't be too angry with me. I've decided to spoil you.
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of course, tadashi's none the wiser to the plot ainosuke has so expertly woven together, his attention entirely focused on the younger man and the way he's so attractively loosened up, disheveled in all the ways that invite a longer, more loving look. of course, tadashi does so, softening as he closes the door behind him and locks it, stepping easily into the circle of his arms to press his forehead to his.
he takes the glass but barely registers it, at least, for a moment, because he's more than happy to press a gentle greeting kiss to those soft, soft lips. it's still a marvel, hearing the warmth in ainosuke's words, the way he looks at him when they're alone. his other hand comes to cup his face as tadashi gives him another kiss, and another, finding himself craving him after a long day of dealing with tiresome logistics. ]
How can I ever, my master?
[ he murmurs, lifting his own glass so that ainosuke can sip from it. ]
You spoil me with this champagne. And the way you look right now.
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Still, he can't wait to see Tadashi's face when they touch down. Any expression he shows Ainosuke will be well worth the effort, even if he can only manage a deep frown. Better than nothing. Better than numb.
Ainosuke taps his own glass to Tadashi's, a silent toast before he sips from the flute that's offered to him, and then tips his own for Tadashi to do the same. ]
We have almost sixteen hours to waste on this plane, Tadashi.
[ Ainosuke slowly, deliberately, reaches up to pull Tadashi's tie free of its knot. Then his shirt buttons; one, two, three hastily undone, until Ainosuke can hook two fingers beneath Tadashi's collar. ]
What ever shall I do with you?
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[ the answer is almost immediate, whole-hearted in tadashi's devotion to ainosuke. he still hasn't cottoned on that there is a bigger, grander, more wonderful surprise in store, because what can be more wonderful than having ainosuke all to himself for sixteen hours?
he can't help a small smile as he sips from his glass, pleased by ainosuke's effortless sensuality, the heat and intensity of his attentions and affection. he draws closer still, like a moth to a flame as his own pulse begins to quicken, anticipation curling warmly in his chest.
his hand coming to rest lightly on ainosuke's chest, unbuttoning the rest of his shirt all the way, he continues: ]
I am yours, my love. All I ask is that you let me see your face.
[ because he wants to see the love written all over it, the ferocity of his passion, the heat of his desire. tadashi loves everything about ainosuke, and as his hand comes to rest on his belt, deftly undoing the catch to unzip him, he murmurs. ]
And all of it entirely naked. Please. Will you indulge me, Master?
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Tadashi asks for so little. Ainosuke would give him the world if Tadashi desired it, yet all Tadashi asks is for this. For Ainosuke stripped bare, for the pleasure of watching his face while they take each other apart, to worship at the altar of his love. Tadashi could have everything -- flay Ainosuke to the bone, ruin him completely besides -- and all he wants is what they've already found.
It suits them well; Ainosuke feels absolutely limitless with Tadashi by his side, and he'll do anything to keep him there.
Including this sweet degradation, if Tadashi is so eager for it. Tadashi has just worked through the zipper of Ainosuke's slacks when Ainosuke smirks, and takes a step back toward the bed. He tugs down hard on Tadashi's collar, coaxing his dog to his knees. There are other ways to take a seat before liftoff. There are other ways to tease. ]
Come, my pet. Be a good boy. On your knees. Crawl to the bed with me.
[ Another step back, and another, and Ainosuke snaps his fingers for Tadashi to follow. ]
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but here and now, things are different. while tadashi cannot do anything about ainosuke's aunts, he certainly can gild ainosuke's power and agency in his own ways, stealthy as a serpent in the undergrowth. his love for ainosuke only grows, and he finds himself enthralled by this degradation, the intoxicating sweetness of it and everything that ainosuke is willing to give to him. and oh, how generous his lover is, how quickly he picks up on tadashi's desires as he settles him with a firm hand.
he is all too willing to get to his hands and knees at that tug, and tadashi crawls along with him, following him to the bed and crawling in after, once ainosuke's on it. he presses soft kisses to those fingers, tongue lapping sweetly around index and middle as a gesture of his affection, his dark eyes warm.
now, give him another order. ]
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